It's been a gut wrenching couple of days. Our son got home from Vancouver only to have his ex-wife take his daughters away and now she's getting a court order, albeit temporary, that demands sole custody, a restraining order, support, and it leaves J. with no access to the girls except during the day so no more sleepovers. I'm SO frustrated that he says one thing and she totally blows it all out of proportion, and he does the same thing too. They just don't seem to be able to communicate with each other at all. So consequently they are now doing and saying things to hurt each other and I don't think they even see it.
J. is back after having the girls for 5 days, only to have them ripped away. They really were the one thing holding him together. He's basically lost everything in the last 2 weeks. First his job, then his business, then his home and car, and now his children. You see, his business failed and he is going to have to declare bankruptcy. It's about that time his depression really surfaced, not surprisingly, and when he really needed his wife I think it got very scary for her and she didn't know what to do. Instead of talking about it to a friend or family member they both tried to deal with it by themselves, pushed each other further and further apart until she felt like she had no option but to leave. So she left.
Now I can understand her point that he is unstable but it hurts me to see a wife leave when her husband needs help and just leave him to it. Maybe it's because I so desperately tried to help my Ex and he wouldn't let me. But it's all about communication. He tried to express his love for her by being a good provider and telling her she was beautiful etc. But said some dumb things too. He was immature, heck he's only 23, and was married at 17. It takes time to grow out of those things. He spent a lot of time at work and was often tired, preoccupied, and grumpy. But does that make him a bad guy? NO!! It makes him misguided, and unable to express his love in a way that she could understand. I think she wanted demonstrations of love. Like more chores around the house, more time away together but they never talked about it. So they basically ended up not fulfilling the needs of the other emotionally. So here we have a classic example of two people who love each other and yet cannot get that across to the other person. And so love starts to die. I still say that it's not greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it. And that takes commitment, not only to show our love, but to find a way that the other person can receive that love.
So now she is working and having her own life. Living with friends and finding a good support network. She has the girls, and is finding her way as a mother and woman. She is doing what she really feels is in the best interests of the family... And yesterday we admitted J. to the hospital to see a psychiatrist. Losing his girls, the one anchor he had, was more than he could handle. So we, his family took him in. His Dad and sister were there and amazingly the staff rushed him right through. Gave him something to help him sleep, and we're going back there this morning to see how he is.
I'm hoping he's feeling a little better. It's causing us, his parents some grief because we don't know what to do to help and it's that feeling of helplessness that is making his Dad blame himself a little perhaps for all that has happened. We can drive ourselves crazy with the "what if's". And Dad and I aren't talking about it because as a girl, I of course want to figure it out, talk about it, and make plans for what we do next. Dad however just turns inwards, cuts me out, and doesn't tell anyone what's going on inside his head. So here we are again...another man who needs love and support and won't let others close enough. Except in this case where he has his daughter and is just leaving me out, which hurts. It sometimes sucks to be the second wife. What is it with men? They alienate us without meaning too and can't see how much it hurts us nurturing women to not be allowed to help.
So I guess I can see how divorce affects a whole family, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Much like suicide does. A person that far gone can only see that it will make them feel better. They can't see that it would crush their whole families and their friends. Maybe they feel so friendless and ashamed that they just don't want to continue to struggle. Well I'm here to tell you these things:
J. was not the world's best husband, but neither was he a bad one.
He is a good father, and getting better all the time.
He has a family that loves him.
We will never give up on him, even when he's given up on himself.
We can still see the man he is on the inside, and that's who we love. The person walking around in his body currently is a depressed and distorted representation because of a medical problem that is NOT his fault.
That I personally will do my best to help where needed, and always have an open door and something to feed you in my kitchen so we can sit down and have a chat at the table and just be there to lift one another's burdens. That's why our Heavenly Father put us here in families, so we could support each other and help one another to grow and overcome our trials. Without family we'd be nothing, just lost in the void. So it is my hope that today you will reach out to someone who is hurting for whatever reason, be it their own fault or not, and let them know that you care.
Ok, I feel a bit better now. Time to go get dressed and presentable before the world, take a deep breath, and go help J. I guess now it's the practical stuff we need to deal with to help him recover.
Dad and I will get through this, just like everything else, and the hurt will lessen. Maybe the guilt will too for not being able to see it, or do something differently when J. was a boy, or whatever he's thinking. These are all things we'll work through together.
And the other kids have been great. They know something is up, but we haven't told them any details, no yet. So thank you to them, for allowing us to take off unexpectedly in the evenings to do secret stuff and sorry for not bringing home a treat. We love all our children, you are great!
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