Swings

I've got new tires! Or tyres as we spell it at home. I guess that means Dad can have his rims back now that I'd temporarily borrowed oh like in October. So, thank you dad. He's the greatest. He knows how hard we're working and struggling and just never seem to get ahead and so he's forgiven the loan he gave me for my van and also any other money I owe him, and he bought me 4 new tires. I cannot tell you the relief that is not being in debt to him anymore. Though I'd still like to pay him something as we are able, or at least take good care of him in his old age...you know I used to say that a lot but now that I'm marrying a man the same age, perhaps I shouldn't joke about it anymore.

John, Lynne and Shawn her beau popped over for a bit and invited Steve to a BBQ after they play golf so he'll get to spend some time with them which will be good. John is bringing Annie and Autumn over for a visit and I'm babysitting them on Tuesday morning which will be good. I miss them and they're only small for such a short time. I'll post some pics.

Chris is up at the mini-golf at the moment helping Grandad and he's staying over and coming home tomorrow evening. He's still working at the Farmers Market, I think he's really going to miss it once he can't go anymore, but the cost of gas is so high he doesn't make enough to pay the fuel needed to get there and back. At least if he's driving up with my dad and working then dad is paying the tab. And they get to spend some time together which is good for both of them.

Dad and Janet bought a house in Strawberry Vale, West Saanich, just outside Victoria on Vancouver Island which is where we live btw. I'm excited for them to have a place to call their own and looking forward to the wedding in August.

I'm looking forward to getting the divorce finished for Steve and his ex too, though now she's contesting the divorce so it will take a little longer. At some point I know it'll happen and I just have to be patient, I just want it NOW!! LOL! It'll be really nice once we're married and working full-time again and can afford to buy our own place too. I guess these things take time though don't they, and the older I get, the more aware I am that there's less and less time together. But then I'm reminded that we have all of eternity and so not to worry, that this whole earth life will seem as a blink of an eye.

I'm going to get going and clean some more. Check in with you soon.

shortie

Hi. Lots going on around here, as usual. J is home and feeling much better with a new outlook on life and things getting worked out between him and his wife so he can see his girls, which is fantastic. We're doing good and getting the office up and running. 

I told Steve I'd put something nice in here incase he ever reads this so...

SOMETHING NICE

How was that? He HE He

Too tired to catch you all up so will write tomorrow.

quote:  I can conceive no greater loss, than that of one's self-respect. Eleanor Roosevelt

Nasty is not necessary

How do you respond when someone you care about says unkind things to you? Cry? Hit things? Lash out with a nasty e-mail? (A family fave) Or do you try to take the high road and be nice and pretend that it didn't hurt you and act like nothing is wrong? Does ignoring the situation really work? I'm not sure what I want to do. My heart says one thing and my brain the other. SO, I'm trying to be at least civil, and "butt out" of a situation I never wanted to be in the middle of anyway but am hopelessly embroiled in. 

Sometimes it sucks to love someone because we open ourselves up and make ourselves vulnerable to hurt. 

Well, no time for self-pity. I have too much to do today.  Did decide on my FHE lesson though. :)

Is it Sunday already?

Hi. It's Sunday evening and I'm just hanging out in the office. Steve is here keeping me company because I'm feeling s bit forlorn. Just a bit mind you. I've got lots of stress and so far there's no end in sight.

We've been up to see J. every day this week and he's doing ok. Hanging in there which is at least a start. It was good to see him smile and laugh a bit today and see a little of his goofy side. I'm glad he's doing better because we love him and he is a much greater influence for good in the kids lives than he realizes. They really look up to him. I'm glad he's sticking around

Elaine's last day to file an appearance to contest the divorce is tomorrow and guess what... she's coming over to the Island. I hope it's to see J and not to see her lawyer. Sigh. I want to be optimistic but PMS is preventing me from feeling melancholy. I just want her to let Steve get divorced so we can be a proper family and get married. I'm consoling myself with chocolate but I'm sharing so it's ok. :)

Tomorrow is going to be another LONG day. We'll leave early to get up to J's condo, pack, clean carpets, clean and re-paint as necessary. I've got to be back for the kids by 2pm but Steve can stay a little later. He's picking J up at 4pm ish and he's coming for dinner and Family Home Evening. I have NO idea of an appropriate lesson but I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Tired. That's how I feel. A bit overwhelmed and in need of a vacation where I could just stay in bed all day and eat fruit, maybe read or write some more of my book or some poetry. There just never seems to be enough time. I think instead I'll turn in early after having a shower and using some nice soap I got from the Farmers Market in Courtenay with essential oils and stuff to relax you. Sounds good doesn't it? It's from the botanical soap shop and her stuff is really nice. Steve will probably watch some Fawlty Towers which is always good for a laugh too. It'll be nice to just snuggle and not worry about tomorrow.

It's getting dark to I'm going to put the chickens to bed. They'll probably mob me for food too so I'll wear boots instead of my crocs.

Well there ya go. Another exciting entry...NOT!

Still, there's something emotionally cathartic about writing this blog, even though nobody reads it. Perhaps that's the point. I don't put my deepest feelings here, but getting the overload out is a relief.

Oh, Listened to Pres. Monson today at Stake Conference and got some words of wisdom. Will have to print his talk.

I hope that if anyone ever reads this they will know this simple truth. That we are all connected in this universe. We on Earth are all brothers and sisters literally. Love is never lost. It may change form, may act as a catalyst for changing our lives, may hurt us and may teach us how to grow. Love changes the world because it changes our perception of how we as individuals fit into the whole scheme of things. If we feel needed, cared for and appreciated then everything looks better. It's sad that so many people will never understand that they are never truly alone and that they have Heavenly Parents who love them and miss them and want to bless them. I know that for myself it's hard to remember that sometimes when the weight of the world is crushing down, but that's when we all need it most. SO tonight I'm going to pray a simple prayer to my Heavenly Father to thank him for all my blessings (and I have lots) and to ask for his help and comfort and peace. I have a family who love me, I'm not alone in the cold world. So I'm counting my blessings. What are you grateful for?


I am grateful for my family who love me unconditionally. Even when I screw up, or am grouchy, or sad.

Why can't we communicate with the people we love most?

It's been a gut wrenching couple of days. Our son got home from Vancouver only to have his ex-wife take his daughters away and now she's getting a court order, albeit temporary, that demands sole custody, a restraining order, support, and it leaves J. with no access to the girls except during the day so no more sleepovers. I'm SO frustrated that he says one thing and she totally blows it all out of proportion, and he does the same thing too. They just don't seem to be able to communicate with each other at all. So consequently they are now doing and saying things to hurt each other and I don't think they even see it.

J. is back after having the girls for 5 days, only to have them ripped away. They really were the one thing holding him together. He's basically lost everything in the last 2 weeks. First his job, then his business, then his home and car, and now his children. You see, his business failed and he is going to have to declare bankruptcy. It's about that time his depression really surfaced, not surprisingly, and when he really needed his wife I think it got very scary for her and she didn't know what to do. Instead of talking about it to a friend or family member they both tried to deal with it by themselves, pushed each other further and further apart until she felt like she had no option but to leave. So she left.

Now I can understand her point that he is unstable but it hurts me to see a wife leave when her husband needs help and just leave him to it. Maybe it's because I so desperately tried to help my Ex and he wouldn't let me. But it's all about communication. He tried to express his love for her by being a good provider and telling her she was beautiful etc. But said some dumb things too. He was immature, heck he's only 23, and was married at 17. It takes time to grow out of those things. He spent a lot of time at work and was often tired, preoccupied, and grumpy. But does that make him a bad guy? NO!! It makes him misguided, and unable to express his love in a way that she could understand. I think she wanted demonstrations of love. Like more chores around the house, more time away together but they never talked about it. So they basically ended up not fulfilling the needs of the other emotionally. So here we have a classic example of two people who love each other and yet cannot get that across to the other person. And so love starts to die. I still say that it's not greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it. And that takes commitment, not only to show our love, but to find a way that the other person can receive that love.

So now she is working and having her own life. Living with friends and finding a good support network. She has the girls, and is finding her way as a mother and woman. She is doing what she really feels is in the best interests of the family... And yesterday we admitted J. to the hospital to see a psychiatrist. Losing his girls, the one anchor he had, was more than he could handle. So we, his family took him in. His Dad and sister were there and amazingly the staff rushed him right through. Gave him something to help him sleep, and we're going back there this morning to see how he is.

I'm hoping he's feeling a little better. It's causing us, his parents some grief because we don't know what to do to help and it's that feeling of helplessness that is making his Dad blame himself a little perhaps for all that has happened. We can drive ourselves crazy with the "what if's". And Dad and I aren't talking about it because as a girl, I of course want to figure it out, talk about it, and make plans for what we do next. Dad however just turns inwards, cuts me out, and doesn't tell anyone what's going on inside his head. So here we are again...another man who needs love and support and won't let others close enough. Except in this case where he has his daughter and is just leaving me out, which hurts. It sometimes sucks to be the second wife. What is it with men? They alienate us without meaning too and can't see how much it hurts us nurturing women to not be allowed to help.

So I guess I can see how divorce affects a whole family, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Much like suicide does. A person that far gone can only see that it will make them feel better. They can't see that it would crush their whole families and their friends. Maybe they feel so friendless and ashamed that they just don't want to continue to struggle. Well I'm here to tell you these things:

J. was not the world's best husband, but neither was he a bad one.
He is a good father, and getting better all the time.
He has a family that loves him.
We will never give up on him, even when he's given up on himself.
We can still see the man he is on the inside, and that's who we love. The person walking around in his body currently is a depressed and distorted representation because of a medical problem that is NOT his fault.
That I personally will do my best to help where needed, and always have an open door and something to feed you in my kitchen so we can sit down and have a chat at the table and just be there to lift one another's burdens. That's why our Heavenly Father put us here in families, so we could support each other and help one another to grow and overcome our trials. Without family we'd be nothing, just lost in the void. So it is my hope that today you will reach out to someone who is hurting for whatever reason, be it their own fault or not, and let them know that you care.

Ok, I feel a bit better now. Time to go get dressed and presentable before the world, take a deep breath, and go help J. I guess now it's the practical stuff we need to deal with to help him recover.

Dad and I will get through this, just like everything else, and the hurt will lessen. Maybe the guilt will too for not being able to see it, or do something differently when J. was a boy, or whatever he's thinking. These are all things we'll work through together.

And the other kids have been great. They know something is up, but we haven't told them any details, no yet. So thank you to them, for allowing us to take off unexpectedly in the evenings to do secret stuff and sorry for not bringing home a treat. We love all our children, you are great!

Why do we spend so long waiting for things to be perfect?

Finally, after months of waiting, my Mum actually mailed me my wedding gown. It's been sitting at her house for 6 months, she just never got around to it. But I'm glad it's finally here. And yes, I tried it on already. I know I know, I'm so impatient!

Today we got the last of our personal belongings from the store. The bankruptcy is signed and I guess there's nothing to do now but look back fondly at a beautiful store (John you did such a wonderful job) and move forward with our lives. Steve is back to work tomorrow fixing appliances and it will be good for all of us.

Meghan had her Kindergarten orientation this morning. She loved it and is totally ready for school. I was amazed at the number of parents who don't want to let their kids grow up. Does it make me a bad mother for wanting her out of the house for 2 hours every morning? No, because it's motivated by a desire for her to learn and grow and develop some new friendships. I'll miss her though once she's gone in September. Maybe it's time to think about having another one.

With luck, She Who Must Not Be Named was served with her divorce papers today. I just hope she doesn't contest it so we can move ahead with getting married. After all, I've got my dress now so lets go!!

We've had a couple of gut wrenching letters from our son and daughter in law who are separating and going through a really tough patch.  So we e-mailed back an inadequate reply or two and hope they know that we love them. I wish there was something I could do to make them both happy again but I know there isn't. Still, I hope they can get counselling and maybe patch things up.

Tomorrow should be quite busy. Lots to get done in the morning and the house, particularly the kitchen is a disaster. It's time to get serious! And I must remember to take out the garbage.

Well, that's it for me for tonight. I'm off to snuggle with my honey and watch Fawlty Towers.

Taught Relief Society at church today. Had a nice afternoon just hanging out with the kids and after dinner Steve and I went for a walk to explore some of the trails near our house in Nanoose Bay, BC. We're just renting but it's still nice to get to know the neighbours and the area. Tomorrow is Victoria Day, so a holiday monday. We're going to plant some of the garden tomorrow and Steve is still talking about building a boat.

We're worried about all John is going through, and hope he'll find happiness and peace.

Well, I'm tired so time for bed. It's been a long day and it's 11:30