Caring for Chickens

I often get asked about looking after chickens. Things like: Is it hard? Worth it? Dirty? Is there really any difference between home raised and store bought? Does it cost a lot? Can anyone do it?

So here are my answers.
No, it's not hard but it is some work and initially you need to have a good house for them and have some equipment for brooding, feeding, watering and nesting.

Worth it? I think so but it's not a get rich quick scheme. I make enough money to get my meat and eggs for free by selling half of what I raise minus the costs involved.

Dirty? Yep. Chickens will scratch, poop, and make a mess, and you have to clean their house out periodically. This depends a lot on the weather and if they are allowed out on range or kept inside.

Is there really a difference in flavour? Oh my YES! You have no idea until you try it so grab a copy of the local paper and find a farmer today, or look for signs for eggs. The meat is flavourful and moist, and eggs stand up all perky in the pan showing off their deep yellow yolks, instead of those pale watery things you get at the store that run all over the pan.

Does it cost a lot? That depends on you. You could spend a fortune on all the latest equipment or improvise with what you've got. Some fixed costs are the price of the birds, feed and bedding. Variable costs would be the kinds of shelter and lighting you provide, types of feeders you use, if you heat your hen house etc.

Can anyone do it? No. Now you may be surprised since I just told you it's easy and worth it. But I'm practical and you have to consider a few things. If you are not there to look after them because you like to take weekends away and do not have a neighbour who'll care for them, you maybe shouldn't have livestock. If you want your yard to be all neat and tidy because you're a fantastic gardener, you should have them penned so they stay out of your garden. If you're not a practical person and a good problem solver then you probably shouldn't either. There are all sorts of unexpected things that happen that sometimes require a quick fix and it's just you and your wits and observations.

That being said, watching the antics of chickens can be very entertaining and if you feed them a good ration you'll get a good supply of eggs. So let's talk about the types of chickens generally available today. There are 3 main types of chickens and numerous crosses but they typically fall into 3 categories, Meat, Egg Layers, or Dual Purpose.

Meat Birds are bred for their large breast and thigh size and rapid growth. Here I can raise my broilers (that's what they're called) in about 10-12 weeks. Less if I'm doing Cornish Hens. You can get a pure bred Cornish but I get Cornish cross because although they grow a little more slowly, they are hardier and easier to free range. They come as day old chicks either in the mail or from a feed store and I like Rochester Hatchery or Black Creek Farm and Feed. You'll be able to get info from your local feed dealer on the types and ordering process in your location. Caring for your day old chicks is easy as long as ou are prepared. They require a heat lamp to maintain the temp about 90 degrees, some shavings for litter, dishes for water and food, crumbled food and you're going to need to keep them somewhere draught free and away from your cat. The hatcheries have good directions on their websites about caring for your chicks but I'll give you some tips too. They will grow quickly so having an area that will expand with them is useful. A brooder guard (really just a circle of corrugated cardboard) helps keep them near the lamp (a red 250 watt infrared one) and food and water when they are little but make sure they have enough space to get away from the lamp if they get too hot. Observation and a good thermometer are your best bets. Look at your chicks. If they're huddled together under the lamp then they're too cold. If they're as far away from the bulb as they can be or lying flattened out and panting then they're too hot. They should be happily walking all over and sleeping near the outer perimeter of the lamp shade or somewhere they're comfortable. Chicks start out on feed of around 22% but it does vary by manufacturer and medicated or unmedicated feed is available. If your chicks are vaccinated then use unmedicated feed because otherwise you'll just kill the vaccine. If you are feeding medicated feed it's to prevent a fatal disease in chicks called coccidosis you'll need to feed it to them for about 4 weeks but ask your feed dealer on the current recommendations. They'll always need a clean source of water and that can be tricky because they tend to kick shavings in it all the time so you need to check regularly. I start mine off with water in egg cartons cut into groups of 4. Feed as well. They then can't get themselves soaked and cold as easily. After a few days when they're eating well I switch to a feeder that's long and has 25 spaces for feeding on each side, and a waterer that has a screw jar top. It's enough for 25 chicks but I do have to increase the size of the waterer periodically and I raise it onto a little platform to help keep the shavings out of it. Another tip if using a kiddy pool. You know, the hard plastic wading pools you get for $10. They're ok to use with a cardboard brooder guard to start with and then you can use it without after a time. You'll need a wire cover for the top or your energetic hoppers will surprise you from time to time by escaping. The pool is also easy to clean when you're done and waterproof so it protects your floor. One thing to note, raising chicks is fun and you'll be tempted to raise them in the kitchen (everyone does it once) but they manage to kick up a tremendous amount of dust that will coat everything in the house so you might want to confine them to a basement or laundry room for the first few weeks. By 5 weeks they can control their own temperatures so they can be put outside in their house, but they may still need a little extra heat fro the first 10 days to really thrive.

If you're raising your own layers there are additional lighting requirements I can tell you about at a later time. So let's go on and talk about raising broilers. They will not sleep on perches, just on the litter on the floor so it's important to keep it clean and dry. They'll need constant access to water and I raise my waterers up onto a couple of bricks so it keeps the litter out of the water and at the chickens chest height. I use a hanging feeder hanging at the height of their chest so they waste less food and it stays cleaner. I feed a commercial feed because I know it's balanced and has all the minerals they need and I let them free range for the afternoons and feed peelings and spoiled fruit also. They find grass and weeds and bugs to eat and get some exercise too which keeps them happy and healthy and their house cleaner also. Their feed changes with age and size and it's best to ask what the recommendations are in your neighbourhood. I usually feed a 16% grower finisher. Meat birds will eat a tremendous amount and convert food at a rate of approx. 3lbs grain and other food to 1lb gain. As they grow the rate slows but you get more meat and less bone so it evens out. We experimented at home and found that a store bought chicken (ready roasted) was about 50% meat and 50% carcass where as ours were 25-30% bone and the rest meat. A much better ratio.
So an 8lb chicken was about 6lb meat, and that's enough to feed our whole family and have left overs.

A note about feed. There are lots of recipes out there for mixing your own grain using a concentrate. Please follow the recommendations. A commercial feed is easy to use as you know it's already mixed properly. Depending on your area they are about 60% corn, 30% wheat and also may contain barley, oats, alfalfa, grit, fat and vitamins and minerals. When mixing your own you should aim for about 16% protein, or 18% during the very coldest months of the year. Keeping your feed fresh requires keeping it for short periods of time, in a sealed container like a tote or garbage can in a cool and dark place. You basically want to keep out the bugs, mice and rats, and use it before the oil start going rancid. The longer you leave it, the more the vitamins and minerals are lost and these are things you are paying for so you want them to be used to promote the health of your flock, as well as the health of your wallet.

So now to layers. The usual practice if you decide not to raise your own chicks, is to buy pullets. A pullet is a young hen about 18 weeks old who hasn't started laying yet or is just getting started. This is good because you get all girls, and yes only the girls will lay eggs. Most breeds begin laying between 18-22 weeks of age. You can just bring home your birds, set them up in your sanitized house with plenty of bedding, food and water, and wait. It's important to provide a nest box for every 5 chickens for them to lay in. It should have clean soft bedding in the bottom so they can feel comfy and it'll help keep the eggs cleaner. There are many different box types from the roll-aways which collect the eggs, to wooden boxes 18" square, to milk crates turned on their sides. As long as the top and sides are covered, hens don't seem to much mind where they lay. You can encourage them to lay in the boxes if they are elevated. Mine are mounted against the side of my house and there is an access door so I can collect the eggs from outside without entering the hen house. It's about waist height and the hens have no trouble flying the 2 or 3 feet needed, infact they appreciate the privacy. They will lay where it's safe, so having a fake egg, rock, or golf ball just sitting there encourages them to add their egg to the pile. It may sound weird but it works. I have 4 nest boxes and they really only use their favourite 2. Go figure. Your hens will lay usually in the morning, though there are exceptions to the rule. In this region it's common practice to shut up you hens for the night with feed and water and then not let them out again until late morning or noon and give them the afternoon and evening to range. This has the benefit of avoiding a fox or raccoon who's going home after a night of hunting and means your eggs will be in the nest instead in some out of the way place like under the shed or in the bushes. Eggs in a yard attract rats and other undesirable pests, not to mention they will quickly begin to stink! We discovered this when we moved into a trailer once where they had kept chickens. In the hot weather a horrid smell was emitted from under the front porch. We thought something had crawled under and died. Further investigation turned up 4 or 5 eggs left over from the previous occupants. PHEW!!!

Dual Purpose birds are just that, good for meat and eggs. The roosters will get to be a big enough size that you can eat them and the hens will lay eggs though not as many as a layer breed. They often tend to be hardier and will go broody which means they will fluff out and sit on a nest of eggs for 21 days give or take a day. Having a hen raise the chicks or removing them and raising them yourself in a brooder are your choices and everyone has a preference. I've not done it any other way than using the brooder because I've always had layers up till now and they've never gone broody on me. I'm still waiting.

Now it's time for a confession. I started writing this several days ago and have never had time to post it. So I'm going to do that in a few minutes. I'll be happy to answer any questions you have as I realize this is incomplete. I'm going to work on it a little more in between watching kids and having a night away this weekend. (We're going to walk on the ferry, take the bus and go see Cirque Du Soleil)

Giggles and Squiggles

It's crazy round here right now. We have Jack and Madylin over for the days, Chris, Jordan, Kate and Meghan, (Jordan is back from camp on Hornby Island this afternoon) plus Annie and Autumn, and also my friend Linda is visiting with her 2 boys Adnan and Rohan. It's a madhouse! But fun. Right now Linda is out touring around with the boys in her nice new car, and the kids here are doing crafts and building planes and other various projects. There's chalk on the driveway, planes in the livingroom, and happy kids all over. We made juice popsicles but they won't be ready until this afternoon and the kids already had a snack so they're not too bad right now. Still, having all these kids, especially ones that don't sleep is tiring! So my hat is off to mums who do this everyday. Life at the homestead continues, and I wouldn't change it. Except maybe wish for less bickering. Laundry and dishes await and I think my landlady is coming for an inspection tomorrow so I have to clean up the kid and my rooms and also Steve is going to shampoo the carpets. Brian is popping over tonight too which should be interesting. Off now to make some progress with the house and work. Bye!

The Grape Experiment

We are taking cuttings from our resident grape vines and are going to try 3 different methods and document the success of each. Partly out of curiosity, and partly because we are practical and want to guarantee success. We are renting our current home so we want to take some of this vine with us. We currently have 2 other cultivars of table grape (as opposed to the tart wine grapes) and will possibly have fruit off our 3 year old specimen this year. I'll pinch out any flowers that develop on my younger vines so the vine will put it's energy into developing it's root system which is in my opinion better for the vine. Our cuttings right now are in a glass jar of water, and in between the tomato plants in the planters on my deck. I cut green cuttings and left one leaf on each. I cut the leaf in half if it was large to reduce the amount of water lost while the cutting develops roots to support itself. I keep them moist, and we'll see what happens. They don't appear to be wilting but I will leave them until after I dig out the tomatoes unless there is obvious growth and then I may carefully prick them out and pot them individually. Our lease is up in March so we may have to move in the winter and it's easy to move pots with dormant vines in them. I may take some stem cuttings this winter too and heel them into moist sand. The next cuttings I am going to try are green cuttings with rooting hormone. I'll let you know how they turn out. If they all work, I could end up having several hundred vines so guess what you're getting for Christmas!

Today another batch of beans is going in the garden. Royal Burgundy and also yellow wax. I was thinking of another row or 2 of peas but the weather may be too warm. The corn is growing but not amazingly well. I think it's not getting enough heat and water maybe as it is a little sheltered by the kiwi vine. Same for some of the squash. I watered them separately to make sure the soil moisture in the garden is constant and we'll see if it makes a difference. It should be obvious in a week. I'm going to put down another drip hose and see if that helps. Drip hoses placed along the rows of plants are good because they waste less water than an overhead sprinkler that loses so much due to evaporation. They also put the water where you want it, at the roots, and so the leaves stay dry thereby having less fungus problems, and the weeds don't get watered. When we had our big prairie garden in Alberta, we spaced the rows further apart and ran drip hoses on our low pressure well. Very few weeds grew between rows which saved on a lot of raking and hoeing. In fact we just drove the rototiller up and down a couple of times and that was it. It soon got too hot and dry for the weeds to germinate. We still had to weed between the individual plants but it was minimal due to the shading of the veggies not allowing weeds to get started much. Another method is intensive planting (like the french intensive method) which uses soil preparation and shading to control weed growth and allows more harvest per area than traditional methods. As for watering your row garden, you can leave drip hoses on a maturing garden over night and give the roots the benefit of a good deep soaking. I used to water only once a week, but for 12-24 hours. When germinating seed I found it best to plant during expected wet weather or to overhead sprinkle to keep moisture around the level of the seeds to aid germination and make sure they don't dry out.

I am going to turn the chicken compost today and should be able to use it in the garden in another week or two. It's earmarked for the potatoes. I started brussels sprout seed yesterday as well as watermelons and beans. They're on the deck. I need to finish planting tomatoes out today and then think about what I'm going to put in my winter garden. I figure the watermelons will mature on the deck (hot and south facing) even in September and I planted an early maturing variety. That's a good tip for end of season planting, plant varieties that mature quickly, the ones you'd normally plant early in the spring before your main season crops. They have a better chance of maturing in the shorter growing period in the fall. Peas, spinach and lettuce all do better in cooler weather so I plant them in spring and fall. And if the peas get nipped too badly by the frost before I get all the peas picked, I just dig them under as green manure. Anyways, I'm off outside in my straw hat and sunscreen while it's cool and the house is calm.

Happy Gardening!

The KIwi Vine Mystery is solved

The reason the vines produced poorly last year has become evident.. As you know, kiwi vines most commonly need to be planted male and female so as to ensure fertilization of the female flowers. Although I should point out that there is at least one cultivar that is self fertile and will grow here. Well I went out to cut the vines back and see about maybe trying to propagate them and found that while the female vines are going crazy with long luxuriant growth, the male one has very little and I didn't see any flowers although they could be hidden up in the canopy. I guess this is the part where you ask "how do you tell the difference between the male and female vines and flowers?" Most vines purchased from a nursery will be marked. If not you'll have to wait until flowering. The female flowers are white with yellow centres and have white centre filaments that protrude. The male flowers look the same but without the white filaments in the middle. They look like a normal flower with white petals and a yellow centre. So that explains a lot. Maybe it's time for a new male vine. I'm still going to root some cuttings and I can pick up a new male vine at the nursery if I cannot get one rooted here. I am going to get some more rooting hormone as mine is currently AWOL. It's one of those things I know I packed but now I need it I cannot find it. It will also help my grape vine cuttings develop callus quicker. Callus is the white part that forms on cut pieces and sometimes along the sides. It is from the callus that the roots develop. Grape vines need a certain temp for callus to form but once it's formed the roots will develop in cooler temperatures. More on this later.

My friend Linda and her 2 boys are on their way here today. They're staying until next Tuesday and it'll be really great to see her again. It's been 4 years nearly. I think. My brain is a little fuzzy this morning. Right now she's in Kelowna and heading this way so we should see them this evening. I should get going and sweep and then tackle the kids room. And the laundry. Wish me luck! Steve and Chris are helping Dad and Janet move into their new place today so they are gone until this evening also and Annie and Autumn are coming over as well. It's going to be a house full!

The Simple Life Begins

There are so many books, articles and websites about permaculture, sustainability, self sufficiency etc that I've decided to focus more on the benefits of living a simpler life. Maybe you'll find something inspiring. Maybe we can laugh together at the blunders I make. But most of all I hope you enjoy reading this.

So a brief re-cap of who I am. Hi I'm Elizabeth. I'm 33 and have 4 children living at home from 4 - 11 years. Plus grandkids and friends who drop in regularly. Our family recently moved from a 16 acre homestead to a rural/suburban neighbourhood and into a rented house with a small garden plot, spectacular views and about a half acre of shale, steep hills and heavy tree cover. So not a lot of usable space. We raise chickens for meat and eggs in a shed and run that is now half run and half garden. The garden was terribly neglected and overgrown with weeds and thick brambles. Buried in there though we found some berries, a few odd roses, 3 kiwi vines and 2 large well established grape vines. Time will tell how much they bear and the type of grapes. There are a dozen fruit trees but they are badly planted in areas with inadequate sunlight and are dying a slow death basically. We may see a little fruit if we can keep the birds off it. Still, this house has somethings we've not had in a few years like municipal water and electric baseboard heat. It is a far cry from our trailer with a woodstove and well that runs dry for months in the summer. I've lived and worked on farms for a while though I was raised in the city. I love the country and want to get back there. I've always been interested in self sufficiency and my appetite was fueled by books mainly by John Seymour, without a doubt the father of the self-sufficiency movement and a very practical man and writer. I love his books and his no nonsense approach.

So here we are. Trying to be more independent and self reliant. How about you? Where are you at? If you're just starting out and thinking about how wonderful it will be to get back to the land I wish you luck, truly. It's an admirable goal. I'll tell you one thing about homeasteading though. It's not for the faint of heart or weak of back. It's hard work, and lots of it at inconvenient times. But the joys and rewards are worth it.

Question: Is going back to the land or seeking a simpler way of life just a cop out? OR is it going to become a necessity? Do you think it means giving up running water? Electricity? Your car? Growing your own veggies and having chickens running around your yard?

Well living a simpler way of life can encompass one or all or even none of those. A simpler life is just that... more simple. It doesn't necessarily mean giving up every convenience. What it does mean is eliminating things or expectations in your life that are not bringing you happiness or fulfillment or meeting your needs. In todays world we are so over stimulated, stressed, and over scheduled that we fail to see the joy in simple things because we're frankly exhausted. Sound familiar?

But where do you start?

Ok, so you recognize there's a problem. It could be that your relationships are strained and your kids never see you. Maybe your job is demanding so much from you that it's making you sick. Or have you just reached a point where you've realized that "money can't buy happiness"? Your quantity of life (ie. material possessions, vacations, fancy cars, nice house) isn't a quality life. It's just empty and the stress of trying to maintain your standard of living is wearing you down. Now what?

Decide where you'd like to be in 6 months, a year, 5 years. And be flexible because your attitude and expectations will change over time. While it's good to set long term goals, you also need to set some short term attainable goals, and 3 is the magic number. It's really hard to try to change everything at once, especially if you want this to be a permanent change and not just a "thing you tried one month". SO set 3 goals to work on at one time, in addition to your long term goals. YOu'll often find that your short term goals are the baby steps to achieving your long term goals. Once you've accomplished a goal give yourself a pat on the back or if it didn't quite work out, figure out why, learn a lesson from it and move on. If you're homesteading there's no time for regrets. Just learn from your mistakes and try something else. Perhaps you need more research. Perhaps a different way of doing it, or maybe something different all together is in order. It's up to you to figure it out.

So what are your goals? My long term goals are these:

Own a piece of land 8+ acres with a source of water, and a comfortable house.

Raise and grow most of my own food. I say 'most' because I cannot grow chocolate more's the pity.

Be debt free. A mortgage is ok for the short term.

Have time to really enjoy being with my family, particularly my children and grandchildren.

Here are my 3 current short term goals.

1. Sort, de-junk the house, and only keep what is essential. Details on this to follow in the coming weeks. Needless to say, a Garage Sale is in my future.

2. Get my second crop of lettuces, peas, beans and melons planted. And continue caring for the garden by putting up a pea fence and fertilizing this week.

3. Set up a schedule of activities for all the kids and register the kids for a one week program each this summer.

There's so much more to write but best leave it for tomorrow. In the coming days as time allows (I'll have 10 kids in the house, so maybe not a lot) I'd like to tell you about : What's in my garden and why. How to raise chickens and look after them. Deer and other garden pests. Sources of heat for your home. Edible berries and their uses. Propagating grapes and kiwi vines. Victorian gardening methods we can still use today.

Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think.

Nova Scotia...Cheap land but is it worth it?

We've been looking at places for sale in and around Nova Scotia. Why? Well for several reasons the most obvious being that we are still looking at moving out of town and homesteading somewhere we can actually afford to buy the land and work on our goals. But there are so many things to consider. Availability of work. Cost of Living. Access to social groups, church, school programs etc. Weather. Availability of arable land and water. The list is very long and complicated as most lists tend to become as you study and research. 

So I don't know what's going to happen. Here we can work and save and try to buy a place in a few years hopefully. We'll be past divorces, bankruptcy, have our business established and hopefully have a sizable down payment in the bank. That's if land prices don't keep rising so fast that we can never catch up. 

One of our main considerations is that we love our children and want to be close to them. Part of homesteading is the social aspect of developing the relationships with the people you live and work with and that's never more important than with your own family. So how does that work if you move out of town? My idea of a perfect homestead is one big enough for all of us. Multiple generations living and working side by side towards a common goal. With family meals once a week and celebrations as they come up. Now this doesn't mean we all live like sardines in a can, No, it means that we all make decisions that are right for our own family units first, and for the family as a whole second. And adjustments will have to be made of course, we're humans living in proximity with each other and that always means making allowances and being kind and patient. But we have a common goal and that's a better quality of life for ourselves and for our children. We want them to learn that it's not buying things to make you happy, it's about being happy with what you've got and feeling good about doing something yourself and doing a good job.

So here's how things are on our urban homestead this week. 

We're going to be over run with kids. Current head count will be 6 on Monday, 8 Tuesday and 10 for the rest of the week. Bring on the craft supplies! It's going to be fun but busy! Linda and the boys will be here sometime tomorrow or Monday so we have to get the house tidied up a little more and start thinking about getting the garage sale stuff sorted out. Heaven knows we need the room! Go figure, we get a big house and manage to fill it. Well, time to prioritize and downsize. We have a lot of junk and stuff we no longer need, and there are some things we don't have that would be really helpful, garage sale here we come. We might even be able to afford to get to dad and Janet's wedding in August. Or buy some more chickens, or food storage.

Speaking of food storage, we've been doing alot of reading about Peak Oil. There is SO much info out there it's not even worth putting on this blog. Now this isn't something unknown to me. My Dad has told me and educated me about this for years. So talking with Steve about it has been really interesting. He stays up a lot later than I do so he reads a lot on the net and tells me about it the next day. There seems to be basically 2 camps. The Doomsday people who think we'll be back to growing our own food and living by our wits and have roving bands of bandits and anarchy, and those who say it's all a bunch of boloney and that nothing bad is going to happen. Now I could spend the next hour telling you why someone would be alarmed, or how it inspires investor confidence to hear that the Oil and Gas is profitable and increasing production etc. but I won't. You can certainly do that yourself if you feel so inclined. It has helped put some things into perspective for us though.

What do we really need for food storage? Well, the first steps are these: 

1. determine what we already have.

2. determine what we need and how we will store it, especially considering we know we have to move again in a year and food storage is HEAVY!!!

3. store water. We don't have a well, we're on municipal water so we're going to need to store some. We already have a few bottle but it's estimated you need a gallon per person per day minimum and that doesn't include cooking and hygiene, so more would be good. I did find some 55 gallon barrels online for about $700 for 4 barrels. That should do our family for about a month, and longer if we ration water and use non potable water ie. ocean, fish pond etc for washing our hair. We'll see. We have some of those 18l jugs right now that need to be cleaned and sterilized and we should just use them and store them in the dark. They will keep for a year that way with no extra preservation needed since we already have chlorinated water. If it wasn't, I'd add a tsp. of plain household bleach to them. I know it sounds gross to drink bleach but if you take out the water you need and then pour it back and forth between 2 glasses to sort of aerate it, the chlorine disperses and it tastes much better. Trust me it helps! It's like powdered milk, if you add a very small amount of vanilla to it once you've mixed up your jug it really improves the flavour and makes it taste more like fresh milk.

The chickens continue to lay. We had one hen inexplicably die a few weeks ago but the others seem just fine. Infact one of ours lays twins about 5 times a week. We get a huge egg and it has a double yolk. Very nice! The other girls I've got coming up are 2 dark brahmas and 1 buff orpington. We also have 3 dark brahma roosters so one or two of them will have to go pretty soon to the local poultry swap. I was thinking today that turkeys would be nice but our basement is full of stuff so I have nowhere to brood them. Maybe in a few weeks I'll pick up a few. I do love turkeys. 

I took several dozen grape cuttings last week and put half in water and half in the tomato planters on my back deck. We'll see which do better. I am also going to take some kiwi cuttings this week and mark the various colours of foxglove so I can  collect the seeds once they're dry.

I'm going to do a bunch more research but have figured out that to be sustainable, our family needs the following acreages:

2 acres of established woodlot for furniture and firewood.

2 acres of pasture/orchard. This for a cow, horses, and other livestock such as chickens and turkeys to free range on. The one acre to be rotated and the other in permanent orchard

1 acre for the farm buildings and driveways 

1 acre for the kitchen garden

2 acres for staple crops and grains. ie. potatoes, corn, turnips, barley, wheat, carrots

So there you have it. In an ideal world I'd like 8+ acres with at least one good brook or stream running through it and room for my grape vines, animals, a nice little house, orchard and gardens. I'm taking donations if you're interested!

I've had some experience Homesteading already and also worked out on a dairy farm in Alberta so i have limited experience with cows. I mostly just milked and tended the calves. I've raised sheep, goats, poultry and children in BC and would like to keep doing the same for years to come. I have a willing partner who is handy and inventive, both excellent skills for a homesteader as you have to often think on your feet and fashion a solution out of available materials. Now all we need is the right piece of land and the money to buy it. 

It's almost 1 am and I have church in the morning then cleaning all afternoon so I should go. I could keep talking for hours but I won't keep you any longer. Good night!

AHH! 2 weeks gone and no time to write. Well, that's not entirely true, I had time and chose to do different things. Like have a vacation.

We're back today, sort of, and enjoying Canada Day. For the past few days we've been staying at Brother and Sister Stussi's resort called Qualicum Bay Resort. It was good and the kids enjoyed sleeping in tents. We discovered that the kids tents re indeed waterproof as Meghan threw up in the middle of the night. Every mothers dream whole camping. 

And it was HOT!!! I mean, 36 celcius in the tents does tend to make you get out of bed. There's a fantastic swimming hole, more like a man made lake really, and you can take out your boat, inflatable, swim, paddle, splash to your hearts content and it's huge so nobody really bothers anyone else. 

There was a pancake breakfast this morning and we all went including the kids in between trips to the park. I swear, as soon as they made friends, we hardly saw them at all except to ask us about food! Lol! I did miss Chris though. It was weird being out without him. He's working for Grandad this weekend at the Mini-Golf. 

Steve and I had a nice visit with Hans last night and chatted for ages about how he basically bought a swamp with water rights to his spring and a ramshackle motel, and now it's a lovely resort thanks to a series of lucky breaks but more importantly, 16 years of hard work. It's awesome to see one man's vision come true and that hard work really can pay off.

I've gotta run but more details later about the new self-sufficiency stuff happening in our lives.

Love Is...

In the 80's in England (maybe here??) there was a popular cartoon strip and it's characters and ideas were made in to all sorts of things. I remember my next door neighbour Liz loved them. There was a man and a woman, always the same two, and the phrase began "Love Is..." I have a soap dish that says "Love Is...Helping her out of the tub when she's expecting" There were all sorts of sentiments.

Well, for me love is a clean kitchen. Cleaner at least. How many husbands come home with flowers or candy for a gift only to find a frazzled, overwhelmed wife who has had a house of screaming kids all day that were like Tasmanian devils, only to hand over the gift, kiss her on the cheek and ask what is for dinner? Not in my house. Apart from the fact I rarely get flowers (hint), I had the perfect husband for one evening. While I was grieving the loss of our cat, juggling dinner and 6 small children, doing dishes and laundry, he quietly came in to the kitchen and with few words he started cleaning, and doing a great job. Sure he complained about the usual stuff like how it got such a mess in the first place, but he cleaned none the less and I'm grateful. To me the best thing would be to skip the flowers and come home early, look at and assess your wife, and then without judgment to roll up your sleeves and say "what can I do to help?"

We've enjoyed the company of our 2 granddaughters for the past couple of days. They are amazing little girls and so different from our own children. Having a 2 year old in the house was a good reminder of how much work they are and how much I do not miss diapers. But having someone love and trust you absolutely is wonderful. When they fall asleep in your arms and lie there looking like angels, who wouldn't feel their heart melt? They had a good time with our kids for the most part with the occasional spat between Meghan and Annie. And They are of course sad about Hobbes.

Meghan wanted to know what happiness looked like, and it took me a minute to cotton onto the idea that I told her yesterday that it's only Hobbes' body here. I said the part of him that's his spirit is gone already. She didn't really understand so I told her it was the part of us that talks in our heads and the part that feels love and happiness. So what does happiness look like? A big orange cat with a new perfect body bouncing around waiting for us to get home I expect.

I'm still fighting with the gov't about my child tax benefits. Actually spoke to a supervisor in Nfld this morning. Looks like I have 3 options. 1, get Brian to send in the paperwork from March. 2, file an official complaint and it all else fails, 3, go to Tax court and appeal to a judge.

Well, I'm getting the "over time" light and reminders of how i have to get up early to clean and make fudge for 40 people tomorrow so I should wrap it up. Got papers today though for Steve who is finally going to get his day in court with Elaine, in 6 weeks. So that's great news.

'night!

Farewell To Our Beloved Hobbes

This evening our cat died. He was playing with the kids, went to have a nap on the warm paving stones of the driveway, and passed away. His name was Hobbes and we loved him. He was born December 23rd, 1995 to Thomas and Gemini, one of 4 boys and 2 girls. He was a cream tabby with green eyes and long fur. He was born the night before I got pregnant with my first son, so I always knew how old he was by looking at Chris and adding 9 months. Every Dec 23rd we'd celebrate his birthday. The kids called it Christmas Eve Eve. This is our children's first experience of losing someone they loved and I'm setting a bad example as I cannot stop crying. I've explained that he's gone to heaven and that his body is still here, but his spirit is not. They wanted to know if it hurt, what's he doing now, who's going to feed him and look after him, and I guess all the usual questions. I'm glad I have some answers to give them and doubly glad to be LDS and therefore know that there are animals in Heaven. Hobbes really was a great cat. He was kind, and gentle and loving. A faithful companion if you were ever sad or lonely, and a great secret keeper. He was the truest friend anyone could ever hope for. He was slowing down for the last little while and we knew it would happen eventually, we just didn't want it to end. But he was an outdoor cat, a hunter, battled raccoons and dogs, caught birds on the fly, hunted squirrels, was 3/4 Persian and so realistically his life expectancy was no more than 8 years, and he lived to be 12.5.

So I am going to go and have another cry while Steve is away at choir practice and not here to see me, and tomorrow we'll have a ceremony and find a quiet spot for his earthly body to rest. And after that I'll have lots of memories of how much I loved him and how much a little cream bundle of fur that nobody wanted turned out to be the best cat ever.

Advice on the Church Notice Board

There's a little church on the way to Nanoose, and like many churches they have a sign out front advertising their hours and events. However on one side there's always a quote or saying and some of them are terrific. The one for this week reads:

When you are down to nothing...God is up to something.

And I thought that given the state of affairs in our family at the moment, that it was poignant. There's always something better around the corner, and sometimes we need these life lessons to really effect a true change on our hearts and in our lives.

Some days I just want to stay in bed.

Hi. Nothing exciting to report, just more of the same. Got my dining table together though and it's nice. Now I'm working on getting the kitchen cleaned, paperwork a bit more organized, fighting woth the government who, if you can believe it, still are saying I'm married to Brian and giving me less child tax credit than I'm supposed to get. grrr. So, that's it for today. Maybe something exciting will happen later. In the meantime I'm wishing I could just take a nap and wake up to a clean house and dinner made. I think that's every mothers wish!

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

I get asked this question a lot, and I ask it myself on a regular basis too. Sometimes in the form of "WHY ME??? WHAT'D I DO??" Well, I have my own theories but this afternoon I was glancing through Meridian Magazine online and they have an article about just that. Why not go have a glance. www.ldsmag.com/spiritjourney/080610good.html Let me know what you think.

This afternoon I'm grateful for the sunshine reappearing after a few days of rain.

Death of the Bunny

Surprise! I walked out my front door this morning to help Steve put some things in his car he needed for work, and there was our cat Sadie. Eyes gleaming, sleek black coat shining in the morning light, an 8 week old bunny dangling from her mouth and still very much alive. Well, we managed to get her to drop it and the bunny took off followed in hot pursuit by the cat. Steve didn't think she'd catch it again, until we heard the tell-tale "squeak" from down the slope, followed by silence. I thought "sigh, another one bites the dust" and finished loading the car and pondering the fate of a baby bunny, only to go back to the doorstep and find Sadie there with her prize trying to figure out why the cat flap wouldn't work (I'd previously locked it upon seeing the bunny and knowing Sadie's love of bringing home bunnies and butchering them under the kids bed). So, somewhere out there right now is a baby bunny meeting it's maker. A sad reality of nature. My cats are good hunters. It was just a sad little ending to a stressful few days.

Like the bunny, sometimes you just have to let nature take it's course. There was no way to save the bunny. It was too badly injured the second time to do much but hop slowly for cover. Better to let it be, in my opinion. Like our family. There are so many different things going on it's hard to keep track. We're trying to juggle a divorce, a wedding (ours), the wedding of my parents, the break-up of our son and daughter-in-laws marriage, an ex-husband causing a few problems financially, a nagging ex-wife, our grand children, our own children, starting a new business, bankruptcy, moving, de-junking Ahhhhh! The list goes on!

It's hard for us to also have the responsibility to play both sides of the fence, as it were. While we love and support our son, we also have the moral and ethical obligation to continue to love and support our daughter in law. Now I want to make it absolutely clear, people have been hurt. A great deal. On many different sides of the problem. But we still love and care about all those involved. A marriage break-up never just affects the immediate people involved. Whole families and friends are drawn in unavoidably. And as much as people may feel the need to take sides, I cannot personally do that 100%. I was hurt that so many people took my husbands side because they heard how awful of a wife I was from him and never listened to my side of the story. Now I know I could have done better, but I was not entirely to blame. So because of this I can see a little of both sides of the story with J&N. We as their parents are hurting for them because we've been through it and know what it feels like. But at some point you have to just accept that they can make their own decisions, and no matter how much you disagree with them, or want them to behave differently, they have their free agency and all we can do is continue to love them. They've both been there for us, and we'll be there for them. Whether it's babysitting, or a box of groceries, or a friend to talk to, or just someone who you can spill your guts to and you know they'll never tell.

So really it's all about unconditional love. I challenge you to think about that too. If someone hurts us or disappoints us, do we stop loving them? Avoid them. Never speak to them again? And if we do, was it really love in the first place? We all love our children, even if we don't like what they're doing at the moment. Our Heavenly Father is like that too. He loves us absolutely unconditionally. Maybe that's something we as a society need to work on more. Spend less time and effort worrying about how it affected "US" and work harder at loving "THEM". It's a huge amount of work, and you have to change your thinking. And I'm certainly not suggesting we let people hurt us over and over and over again. But if we can at some point move past the grief and hurt to acceptance and forgiveness, it makes our lives better. We don't carry that burden with us always. Forgiveness frees us from a terrible and festering bondage. Take it from one who knows. It can be a life long process, or not. The point is to get there at some point.

Here are a couple of examples. The Amish managed to forgive and actually reach out and care for local families even in the terrible grief they had when a man shot and killed several young women in a one room school house in the middle of Pennsylvania. Here are some hard working people who had their very lifestyle of peace and tranquility shattered. But they didn't act with hatred or blame. They reached out in shared grief to the family of the the shooter. In my own life, and please understand that I have shared this before and am okay with it now, but do not dwell on it... I was molested as a teenager by the father of a friend. It took me several years to acknowledge it and be able to work on my trust issues. I have my issues still, like I'm always worried that Steve won't think I'm good enough and leave and I'm working on my fear of rejection and trust issues. But as far as blame goes, I'm not angry or bitter. A little sad and regretful sure, but I'm able to move on. And I've found that life can be full of regrets and "what if's" but surrounding ourselves and focusing on the negative just draws more of the same to us. If we can concentrate and accentuate the positive then we feel better and draw more of the same to us. What we feel and portray to others is reflected back to us. ie, how many people do you know who are rude or brusque with Don Caitling? Answer = none. Why? He always has a cheerful word, a friendly handshake, a sincere smile for everyone. And it's hard to be around him and not feel better. Yep, Ned Flanders he is!

Life is complicated and beautiful. We're all here to support each other as we learn through life lessons, some of which are not very nice. That's all we can do. I can appreciate the small things Steve does to show me he loves me, like vacuum the dining room. I can take joy in the simple fact that there are 3 beautiful girls running around the house playing hide and seek, and now siting at the organ making beautiful music and rearranging all of Papa's buttons. There are chocolate chip oatmeal muffins in the oven. I have to see Sis Edwards today, clean the house, babysit Madylin and Jack, prepare Family Home Evening lesson and snacks, and the day is half over. So I'm going to put on my happy face and instead of moaning I'm just going to get back to work.

Today I'm grateful for everyday miracles and I'm grateful for second chances.

A New Voice

Tonight I joined a new choir. They're called "Every Voice" and are based out of Errington. They're a mixed bunch of happy people who all love singing and the ones I met tonight were so fun! The music seems to be a mix of gospel, negro spiritual, classical, African and whatever anyone else wanted to sing. Lots of improv and harmonizing. It was SO great to sing with a group where they can all hold a pitch and find a harmony, very interesting. I didn't start out knowing the songs but seemed to pick them up quickly enough, and it was a nice relaxed atmosphere which helped. We're meeting at Collins for the summer.

Well, gotta run. Hope you are all well. Oh, and feel free to make comments if you like. Preferably nice ones, but I do realize that putting this out on the web makes it open to criticism. Still, please remember that this is just my own musings, ramblings, and ideas (which are subject to change) so don't take it personally. Just because I find something humorous doesn't mean you have to make fun of me or belittle me. Just be glad that you're NOT ME!! 

Remember what Thumper's Momma told him..."If you can't say anything nice, Don't say nothing at all."  Words to live by.

A Date With Bubbles

Aches and pains. I've got more than my share today. I think a date with a hot bath is in order, especially since I have a huge jacuzzi tub in this house we're renting. The kids are all in bed early so all that remains is to put the chickens to bed and do some paperwork for Steve who is stressed out about the meeting tomorrow. 

The trunk of my van is full of chickens ready to sell. The dishwasher is on. Everything else can wait till tomorrow. It's time for bed.

The Great Chicken Round-Up of 2008

So, our chickens have gone to meet their maker. It was so fun to see Steve running around at 7 this morning in his gumboots (with pants tucked in) catching chickens and tossing them in the back of the van. Priceless! He's becoming a farmer! LOL! It was a family effort with the kids helping round up the strays, and the attack rooster was quickly caught and subdued before he could have another go at attacking my feet and legs. I'll be sure to cook him first! Bwa ha ha ha! Who's laughing now?!?!

This afternoon I'm going to bag, tag and weigh them all and hopefully sell a few. That'll be good. We could use the money.

Last night we went to Collins for dinner along with Elder and Sister Ovard, and while the kids and guys watched Ratatouille (did I spell that right?) we girls fitted my wedding dress. So it's decided...need bigger breasts...need chiffon veil (ordered from eBay this morning for $10) ... going to wear crystal drop earrings and a necklace and not pearls. One of those silly cultural superstitions I guess but the English don't wear pearls at a wedding. Not traditionally anyway. And I still may wear white holey soles, I mean they're SO comfortable and nobody is going to see them anyway, right?

Janet has said she'd make some jewelry so I'm excited! Her stuff is so beautiful. and unique.

I had a nice visit with Annie and Autumn today. After we did all our chicken chasing and dropping off, we came home for a hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon, and pan fried potatoes. The girls joined in and then stayed to play for a while. When John got here to collect them they were half dressed and playing in the closet, but they were a load of fun to hang out with and I'll miss them. I know Steve misses seeing them so much too and it was good to see him chatting away with Autumn. Annie left today with the monkey suit so she's happy and I sent them off with muffins too so I bet they have a good afternoon.

Gotta run and clean, make more muffins and then finish processing chickens. Wanna buy some?? I don't have Jack and Madylin today as she is at camp and Jack is sick, poor guy.

Chicken anyone?

How hard is it to find a pair of shoes for under $10 in a kids size 11...answer: Impossible.

Meghan lost one of her shoes while swinging on the rope swing last week. She fell off, and one of her shoes went flying down the hill, never to be seen again. Seriously, we've looked! I even offered a reward for the capture and return of afore mentioned shoe, but to no avail. It's tan, just like the foot of leaves covering the woodland floor under the swing, so my guess is that it's been carried off by ants now or maybe a racoon.

So, we've gone to Wal-Mart and 2 thrift stores but couldn't find shoes to fit. Got some slippers and a pair of rubber boots that are too big but will do in a pinch. Have to wait for $ on Friday and go to town it seems.

Got an appointment to butcher chickens tomorrow instead of Friday which puts us in a bind for money, I hate running out of money before payday. But at least we'll have lots of chicken to eat. I think I'll put a sign on the mailbox offering fresh chicken for $4.50 lb and see if I get any takers. That'll really help as I'll have less to find freezer space for.

Gotta run and clean the kitchen, which seems to be a perpetual mess these days. Matches the living room full of boxes. Ok, time for a garage sale! Wonder how much we can make? I bet it's at least $300 if we sell stuff for cheap. We really should think about eBay for some if Steve's collector things. Hmmm. Something to ponder.

later!

I Love Facebook and Banana peeling question

Why? Because I can keep in touch with my friends and family. You see, that's hard to do when you have a busy life. So I appreciate the ease and convenience of Facebook. But I was thinking today as I drove home from church that it really could be used for good and evil. So what do you think?

I can ask you the question now because I'm going to maybe let a couple of people read my blog, which is akin to letting someone read my diary. I guess maybe it will be a little more impersonal but maybe not. I'll just have to try it and see.

WARNING!!! My life is not that interesting!!

This week I get to hang with my granddaughters whom I love dearly, butcher chickens, go out to a friends for dinner, work, clean, babysit, be a full-time mum, and all the other stuff that goes along with being me.

I have a couple of thoughts today, prompted by my having an afternoon nap (not something I usually do) and having a very unpleasant dream. Thanks to my honey for the cuddle after I woke up. That was just what I needed.

1. What things do you do that you'd like to change? Are these things that you're working on, or just thinking would be nice? Gossip less? Be less judgmental? Be kinder? More refined and less coarse? Be a better example to those around you who are struggling? Be more grateful?

And number 2. The question of the day...

Which is the right end of a banana to peel? The stalk end? (like most westeners) Or the blossom end (like most people from banana growing areas and also monkeys) Go ahead and try it and let me know what you think. I peel from the bottom because I hate getting those long strings on my banana and if you peel from the bottom they don't get on your banana, they stay in the peel.

Gotta go. Need to share my MacBook with it's rightful owner.

Swings

I've got new tires! Or tyres as we spell it at home. I guess that means Dad can have his rims back now that I'd temporarily borrowed oh like in October. So, thank you dad. He's the greatest. He knows how hard we're working and struggling and just never seem to get ahead and so he's forgiven the loan he gave me for my van and also any other money I owe him, and he bought me 4 new tires. I cannot tell you the relief that is not being in debt to him anymore. Though I'd still like to pay him something as we are able, or at least take good care of him in his old age...you know I used to say that a lot but now that I'm marrying a man the same age, perhaps I shouldn't joke about it anymore.

John, Lynne and Shawn her beau popped over for a bit and invited Steve to a BBQ after they play golf so he'll get to spend some time with them which will be good. John is bringing Annie and Autumn over for a visit and I'm babysitting them on Tuesday morning which will be good. I miss them and they're only small for such a short time. I'll post some pics.

Chris is up at the mini-golf at the moment helping Grandad and he's staying over and coming home tomorrow evening. He's still working at the Farmers Market, I think he's really going to miss it once he can't go anymore, but the cost of gas is so high he doesn't make enough to pay the fuel needed to get there and back. At least if he's driving up with my dad and working then dad is paying the tab. And they get to spend some time together which is good for both of them.

Dad and Janet bought a house in Strawberry Vale, West Saanich, just outside Victoria on Vancouver Island which is where we live btw. I'm excited for them to have a place to call their own and looking forward to the wedding in August.

I'm looking forward to getting the divorce finished for Steve and his ex too, though now she's contesting the divorce so it will take a little longer. At some point I know it'll happen and I just have to be patient, I just want it NOW!! LOL! It'll be really nice once we're married and working full-time again and can afford to buy our own place too. I guess these things take time though don't they, and the older I get, the more aware I am that there's less and less time together. But then I'm reminded that we have all of eternity and so not to worry, that this whole earth life will seem as a blink of an eye.

I'm going to get going and clean some more. Check in with you soon.

shortie

Hi. Lots going on around here, as usual. J is home and feeling much better with a new outlook on life and things getting worked out between him and his wife so he can see his girls, which is fantastic. We're doing good and getting the office up and running. 

I told Steve I'd put something nice in here incase he ever reads this so...

SOMETHING NICE

How was that? He HE He

Too tired to catch you all up so will write tomorrow.

quote:  I can conceive no greater loss, than that of one's self-respect. Eleanor Roosevelt

Nasty is not necessary

How do you respond when someone you care about says unkind things to you? Cry? Hit things? Lash out with a nasty e-mail? (A family fave) Or do you try to take the high road and be nice and pretend that it didn't hurt you and act like nothing is wrong? Does ignoring the situation really work? I'm not sure what I want to do. My heart says one thing and my brain the other. SO, I'm trying to be at least civil, and "butt out" of a situation I never wanted to be in the middle of anyway but am hopelessly embroiled in. 

Sometimes it sucks to love someone because we open ourselves up and make ourselves vulnerable to hurt. 

Well, no time for self-pity. I have too much to do today.  Did decide on my FHE lesson though. :)

Is it Sunday already?

Hi. It's Sunday evening and I'm just hanging out in the office. Steve is here keeping me company because I'm feeling s bit forlorn. Just a bit mind you. I've got lots of stress and so far there's no end in sight.

We've been up to see J. every day this week and he's doing ok. Hanging in there which is at least a start. It was good to see him smile and laugh a bit today and see a little of his goofy side. I'm glad he's doing better because we love him and he is a much greater influence for good in the kids lives than he realizes. They really look up to him. I'm glad he's sticking around

Elaine's last day to file an appearance to contest the divorce is tomorrow and guess what... she's coming over to the Island. I hope it's to see J and not to see her lawyer. Sigh. I want to be optimistic but PMS is preventing me from feeling melancholy. I just want her to let Steve get divorced so we can be a proper family and get married. I'm consoling myself with chocolate but I'm sharing so it's ok. :)

Tomorrow is going to be another LONG day. We'll leave early to get up to J's condo, pack, clean carpets, clean and re-paint as necessary. I've got to be back for the kids by 2pm but Steve can stay a little later. He's picking J up at 4pm ish and he's coming for dinner and Family Home Evening. I have NO idea of an appropriate lesson but I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Tired. That's how I feel. A bit overwhelmed and in need of a vacation where I could just stay in bed all day and eat fruit, maybe read or write some more of my book or some poetry. There just never seems to be enough time. I think instead I'll turn in early after having a shower and using some nice soap I got from the Farmers Market in Courtenay with essential oils and stuff to relax you. Sounds good doesn't it? It's from the botanical soap shop and her stuff is really nice. Steve will probably watch some Fawlty Towers which is always good for a laugh too. It'll be nice to just snuggle and not worry about tomorrow.

It's getting dark to I'm going to put the chickens to bed. They'll probably mob me for food too so I'll wear boots instead of my crocs.

Well there ya go. Another exciting entry...NOT!

Still, there's something emotionally cathartic about writing this blog, even though nobody reads it. Perhaps that's the point. I don't put my deepest feelings here, but getting the overload out is a relief.

Oh, Listened to Pres. Monson today at Stake Conference and got some words of wisdom. Will have to print his talk.

I hope that if anyone ever reads this they will know this simple truth. That we are all connected in this universe. We on Earth are all brothers and sisters literally. Love is never lost. It may change form, may act as a catalyst for changing our lives, may hurt us and may teach us how to grow. Love changes the world because it changes our perception of how we as individuals fit into the whole scheme of things. If we feel needed, cared for and appreciated then everything looks better. It's sad that so many people will never understand that they are never truly alone and that they have Heavenly Parents who love them and miss them and want to bless them. I know that for myself it's hard to remember that sometimes when the weight of the world is crushing down, but that's when we all need it most. SO tonight I'm going to pray a simple prayer to my Heavenly Father to thank him for all my blessings (and I have lots) and to ask for his help and comfort and peace. I have a family who love me, I'm not alone in the cold world. So I'm counting my blessings. What are you grateful for?


I am grateful for my family who love me unconditionally. Even when I screw up, or am grouchy, or sad.

Why can't we communicate with the people we love most?

It's been a gut wrenching couple of days. Our son got home from Vancouver only to have his ex-wife take his daughters away and now she's getting a court order, albeit temporary, that demands sole custody, a restraining order, support, and it leaves J. with no access to the girls except during the day so no more sleepovers. I'm SO frustrated that he says one thing and she totally blows it all out of proportion, and he does the same thing too. They just don't seem to be able to communicate with each other at all. So consequently they are now doing and saying things to hurt each other and I don't think they even see it.

J. is back after having the girls for 5 days, only to have them ripped away. They really were the one thing holding him together. He's basically lost everything in the last 2 weeks. First his job, then his business, then his home and car, and now his children. You see, his business failed and he is going to have to declare bankruptcy. It's about that time his depression really surfaced, not surprisingly, and when he really needed his wife I think it got very scary for her and she didn't know what to do. Instead of talking about it to a friend or family member they both tried to deal with it by themselves, pushed each other further and further apart until she felt like she had no option but to leave. So she left.

Now I can understand her point that he is unstable but it hurts me to see a wife leave when her husband needs help and just leave him to it. Maybe it's because I so desperately tried to help my Ex and he wouldn't let me. But it's all about communication. He tried to express his love for her by being a good provider and telling her she was beautiful etc. But said some dumb things too. He was immature, heck he's only 23, and was married at 17. It takes time to grow out of those things. He spent a lot of time at work and was often tired, preoccupied, and grumpy. But does that make him a bad guy? NO!! It makes him misguided, and unable to express his love in a way that she could understand. I think she wanted demonstrations of love. Like more chores around the house, more time away together but they never talked about it. So they basically ended up not fulfilling the needs of the other emotionally. So here we have a classic example of two people who love each other and yet cannot get that across to the other person. And so love starts to die. I still say that it's not greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it. And that takes commitment, not only to show our love, but to find a way that the other person can receive that love.

So now she is working and having her own life. Living with friends and finding a good support network. She has the girls, and is finding her way as a mother and woman. She is doing what she really feels is in the best interests of the family... And yesterday we admitted J. to the hospital to see a psychiatrist. Losing his girls, the one anchor he had, was more than he could handle. So we, his family took him in. His Dad and sister were there and amazingly the staff rushed him right through. Gave him something to help him sleep, and we're going back there this morning to see how he is.

I'm hoping he's feeling a little better. It's causing us, his parents some grief because we don't know what to do to help and it's that feeling of helplessness that is making his Dad blame himself a little perhaps for all that has happened. We can drive ourselves crazy with the "what if's". And Dad and I aren't talking about it because as a girl, I of course want to figure it out, talk about it, and make plans for what we do next. Dad however just turns inwards, cuts me out, and doesn't tell anyone what's going on inside his head. So here we are again...another man who needs love and support and won't let others close enough. Except in this case where he has his daughter and is just leaving me out, which hurts. It sometimes sucks to be the second wife. What is it with men? They alienate us without meaning too and can't see how much it hurts us nurturing women to not be allowed to help.

So I guess I can see how divorce affects a whole family, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Much like suicide does. A person that far gone can only see that it will make them feel better. They can't see that it would crush their whole families and their friends. Maybe they feel so friendless and ashamed that they just don't want to continue to struggle. Well I'm here to tell you these things:

J. was not the world's best husband, but neither was he a bad one.
He is a good father, and getting better all the time.
He has a family that loves him.
We will never give up on him, even when he's given up on himself.
We can still see the man he is on the inside, and that's who we love. The person walking around in his body currently is a depressed and distorted representation because of a medical problem that is NOT his fault.
That I personally will do my best to help where needed, and always have an open door and something to feed you in my kitchen so we can sit down and have a chat at the table and just be there to lift one another's burdens. That's why our Heavenly Father put us here in families, so we could support each other and help one another to grow and overcome our trials. Without family we'd be nothing, just lost in the void. So it is my hope that today you will reach out to someone who is hurting for whatever reason, be it their own fault or not, and let them know that you care.

Ok, I feel a bit better now. Time to go get dressed and presentable before the world, take a deep breath, and go help J. I guess now it's the practical stuff we need to deal with to help him recover.

Dad and I will get through this, just like everything else, and the hurt will lessen. Maybe the guilt will too for not being able to see it, or do something differently when J. was a boy, or whatever he's thinking. These are all things we'll work through together.

And the other kids have been great. They know something is up, but we haven't told them any details, no yet. So thank you to them, for allowing us to take off unexpectedly in the evenings to do secret stuff and sorry for not bringing home a treat. We love all our children, you are great!

Why do we spend so long waiting for things to be perfect?

Finally, after months of waiting, my Mum actually mailed me my wedding gown. It's been sitting at her house for 6 months, she just never got around to it. But I'm glad it's finally here. And yes, I tried it on already. I know I know, I'm so impatient!

Today we got the last of our personal belongings from the store. The bankruptcy is signed and I guess there's nothing to do now but look back fondly at a beautiful store (John you did such a wonderful job) and move forward with our lives. Steve is back to work tomorrow fixing appliances and it will be good for all of us.

Meghan had her Kindergarten orientation this morning. She loved it and is totally ready for school. I was amazed at the number of parents who don't want to let their kids grow up. Does it make me a bad mother for wanting her out of the house for 2 hours every morning? No, because it's motivated by a desire for her to learn and grow and develop some new friendships. I'll miss her though once she's gone in September. Maybe it's time to think about having another one.

With luck, She Who Must Not Be Named was served with her divorce papers today. I just hope she doesn't contest it so we can move ahead with getting married. After all, I've got my dress now so lets go!!

We've had a couple of gut wrenching letters from our son and daughter in law who are separating and going through a really tough patch.  So we e-mailed back an inadequate reply or two and hope they know that we love them. I wish there was something I could do to make them both happy again but I know there isn't. Still, I hope they can get counselling and maybe patch things up.

Tomorrow should be quite busy. Lots to get done in the morning and the house, particularly the kitchen is a disaster. It's time to get serious! And I must remember to take out the garbage.

Well, that's it for me for tonight. I'm off to snuggle with my honey and watch Fawlty Towers.

Taught Relief Society at church today. Had a nice afternoon just hanging out with the kids and after dinner Steve and I went for a walk to explore some of the trails near our house in Nanoose Bay, BC. We're just renting but it's still nice to get to know the neighbours and the area. Tomorrow is Victoria Day, so a holiday monday. We're going to plant some of the garden tomorrow and Steve is still talking about building a boat.

We're worried about all John is going through, and hope he'll find happiness and peace.

Well, I'm tired so time for bed. It's been a long day and it's 11:30